Choosing Love Over Fear: Finding Wholeness in Imperfection

What exactly is right and wrong? And why do some parts of us cling so strongly onto this idea that everything they choose, do or feel falls into one of these categories? And why does so much of that decision come from how others perceive it?

I’ve been exploring some of these questions lately as a part of me has surfaced from a place of feeling some deep self consciousness and a self awareness that has caused such internal suffering in the past. This tracking and judging of everything I express became such a hindrance at certain times of my life that it prevented me from feeling worthy of any form of love and connection that I drew for myself.

Relationships almost felt like a burden because there was this constant self evaluation and sensitivity to how others were perceiving me. It was easier to be alone and not worry about other people because they just became a mirror for the insecurities that were burning inside of me. I wasn’t actually scared of their reactions to me, but about the backlash that would happen inside from the self punishment that would arise.

Over the years I’ve explored some deep places inside of myself that held the most potent versions of these dynamics. The soul exploration especially led me to several lifetimes of persecution and sainthood that perpetuated the idea that I would die or be severely punished for any wrongdoing that I would ever do.

So many lifetimes of believing that everything I loved was wrong. That God was the ultimate decider of my worth and the punisher of my sins. That even the most innate parts of being human are sinful. That if I continued to be myself I would inevitably harm others.

So many layers of confusion, conformity, rebellion, regret and hopelessness that finally got to see the light of day because one day I decided enough was enough.

One day, with the support of the beloveds that are still around me now, I decided that I no longer deserved to suffer. These aspects of my soul no longer needed to “pay” for having desires and dreams and needs. These precious parts of me that have simply tried to survive now get to thrive.

One day, I chose love over fear and my whole world changed. I started to see the cracks of light entering my internal cave. The warmth of love began melting the icy walls that had been formed.

And finally, the Divine met my heart in a way that didn’t feed into the idea that me being me is inherently wrong. She didn’t do the healing for me but she was there when I was ready to let her in. When there was enough self worth to hold my parts and show them all that they deserved all the possibilities that love can provide.

I sit here today, not perfect. But in communion and acceptance of my imperfection. In love with my own flaws and understand when insecurities still arise. We’re divine souls in human bodies after all, one of the greatest gifts we’ve been given. To feel everything with the potential to love every bit of it.

All my love,

Raianna

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Raianna Shai is a Divine Self Embodiment Facilitator in 1:1 sessions with women. Visit https://www.divineselfembodiment.com for more information about space-holding sessions and free 45-min intro calls, group calls, videos, community, etc.